07 Nov 6 ways to co-parent better after divorce
This article was originally published by The Straits Times on 07 November, 2022.
SINGAPORE – Mr Sean Liong’s daughter was a pre-schooler when she asked him one day: “Daddy, why don’t I have a family?”
“I was shocked. She was only four years old. That was when I had to tell her that she does have a family, it’s just that mummy and daddy don’t live together,” says Mr Liong, 42, a regional business development manager. He has joint custody of his daughter, now 14, and sees her on weekends.
While his marriage did not work out, Mr Liong tries to play an active role in his only child’s upbringing.
He recalls having to rush at 6am to his former wife’s home in Tampines from Hougang, where he lives, just to coax his daughter to attend kindergarten. Once she was in school, she would want him to hang around for about 10 minutes before she settled down. This happened about once a week until she grew more independent in Primary 1.
Cooperative co-parenting is important for children’s development and mental health, say experts. Their advice comes in the wake of a 13.4 per cent increase in the number of marital dissolutions in 2021, according to figures from the Singapore Department of Statistics in July 2022. It did not give a breakdown of the marriages with children.
It attributed the rise to more divorce applications filed and the resumption of divorce proceedings which were adjourned because of the pandemic. Those married for five to nine years accounted for the largest group of divorce applications.
Divorce rates are rising, notably among recent marriages, said Ms Sun Xueling, Minister of State for Social and Family Development & Home Affairs, at the Law Society of Singapore’s Family Conference 2022 in September. In her speech, she noted that 15 per cent of marriages in 2008 dissolved before their 10th anniversary, compared with 8.9 per cent of the 1988 cohort.
She also announced that parents of minors filing for divorce who are required to attend the Mandatory Parenting Programme must take an e-learning course and go for counselling from September this year. The course will help them manage their co-parenting relationship, among other things.
Expectations have changed
As times have changed, so have the expectations of divorced parents.
“Fifteen years ago, the main issues parents had with each other were about maintenance, finance and housing – the basic needs – because the other party was not actively involved in co-parenting,” says Ms Chrys Ong, manager at Care Corner Singapore’s Family Support Services.
With the courts increasingly granting joint custody over sole custody to ensure that both parents play an essential role in their child’s life and fathers wanting to be more involved, Ms Ong has noticed more disputes among divorced parents.
The issues include access to children, enrichment classes – which affect access time on weekends – and, uniquely to Singapore, the choice of primary school.
Ex-spouses often find it difficult to step down from their former roles, she says. “They are still affected by the past marital impasse despite the fact that they are legally divorced. This has a spillover effect in a parenting relationship.”
Madam Marjianah Abu Bakar, centre manager of PPIS As-Salaam, a government-appointed divorce support specialist agency, also sees the same “excess relationship baggage” issues affecting Muslim divorced couples. In fact, co-parenting struggles and matters related to custody and access make up more than half of its casework concerns, she adds.
“Some parents feel the need to compete to be the ‘better parent’ for their children and that their children should spend more time with them,” she says. This may lead to problems like one parent claiming that his or her access time is being blocked by the parent who is the main caregiver.
Caught in the middle
When divorced parents are locked in a battle of wills, their children suffer the consequences. “The damage is irreparable, frankly speaking. There’s a lot of trauma involved for a child,” says Ms Ong.
One teenager resorted to self-harm to cope with the emotional fallout of her parents’ acrimonious divorce as each party badmouthed the other and tried to spy on each other by questioning the child, says Ms Theresa Pong, counselling director of private counselling practice The Relationship Room.
Ms Ong recalls a six-year-old who cried and refused to enter the room to see her father during a supervised visitation session at Care Corner. But once the door was closed and her mother left, the girl ran to embrace her father. When the session ended, her demeanour changed and she clung to her mother again.
“This is how the child coped. The care parent needed assurance of her loyalty, but at the same time, this child had the desire to have a continual relationship with the other parent,” Ms Ong says, adding that this is a common scenario in supervised visitations.
Instead of the parent taking care of the child, their roles are reversed: The child becomes “parentified” and has to take on the role of an adult.
In some cases, the children become messengers as their parents communicate only through them. They may have to take care of their siblings if their care parent succumbs to depression and may also grow up to have trust issues about relationships.
“These are the burdens the children are carrying,” Ms Ong says.
What children need is stability, Madam Marjianah stresses. Although they may not show that they are affected by their parents’ divorce, some of those in PPIS As-Salaam’s support programmes for children have shared their true feelings about their situation.
“Children wish that parents would not fight in front of them, that parents could communicate well with one another and not make children their messengers. We see that children value both sides of the family, and as time goes by, they would like to maintain a relationship with both parents,” she says.
Settling conflicts amicably
Experts say that all members of the family benefit from effective co-parenting.
Ms Pong says former spouses can enjoy a less stressful parenting journey, be a part of their child’s life and focus on having positive experiences. Children can create happy memories instead of being trapped in the middle of their parents’ battles.
“They also learn through modelling what it means to be respectful to one another. If parents are able to communicate with each other cordially, their children would gain positive social skills, which would be important in establishing healthy relationships with others. This would, in turn, help to enhance their self-esteem,” she adds.
Mr Liong, who describes his relationship with his former wife as cordial, says parents who are not the main caregivers must “learn to let go” of trying to control every small decision.
He made it a point to tell his daughter when she was younger that both her parents loved her and she was not the cause of their divorce.
“When she was in Primary 3 or 4, she started accepting that. When her friends talked to her, she could say, ‘My parents are divorced.’ She didn’t see the need to hide it.”
Similarly, when Ms Angel Peng, 45, and her husband split in 2018, their then 13-year-old son’s welfare was a priority.
“The happiness of my son is directly related to the relationship I have with my ex-husband,” says the sales and operations executive, who is the main caregiver.
She and her former husband have a flexible visitation arrangement as their son, now 17, who declined to be named, is old enough to make his own decisions. When not travelling for work, his father sees him about once a week.
Last year, when their teen was stressed about his O levels and fell sick frequently, her former husband pressed her to take the boy’s computer away because he felt that their child was having too much screen time.
Ms Peng, who disagreed with this approach, told him she was uncomfortable with his suggestions and that he expected her to settle the matter unilaterally.
“After a feedback session like that, he’ll be better. The next time we talked about something about our son, he was like, ‘What can we do together?’” she says.
She feels her son has come to terms with the divorce – he once told her he was “very lucky” compared with classmates who had access to only one of their divorced parents.
Like Ms Peng, a divorced Muslim mother says she and her former husband now communicate better after their break-up.
The woman, who is in her 30s and declined to be identified, were married for about six years. They have shared care and control of their six-year-old daughter.
She credits her social worker from PPIS As-Salaam, whom she spoke to for a few months, for helping her manage the transition.
“It has been very helpful talking to someone who doesn’t know anything about my past. I learnt to better handle my thoughts and emotions,” she says.
Ms Peng adds: “Even if you’re divorced, you will forever be family. It’s just that you exist in a different form now. This is how a child feels as well. I think it’s important to honour and respect that.”
Six ways to co-parent better
Children whose divorced parents adopted a cooperative parenting style had more positive outcomes, according to a 2020 study on co-parenting styles by the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF).
Such children have fewer behavioural and emotional problems and also show better learning behaviour in school, notes Madam Marjianah Abu Bakar, centre manager of PPIS As-Salaam. Experts share practical strategies for managing the transition.
1. Take care of yourself
“You have to deal with your grief and loss over the divorce so that, emotionally, you are healthy to manage the co-parenting role,” says Ms Chrys Ong.
Engage in activities that calm you down or seek professional support to manage your emotions, says Ms Saradha Ramachandran, master counsellor at Help Family Service Centre.
2. Put the child first
Focus on your child’s needs when communicating with the other parent, and see him or her as a parent rather than as a former spouse, says Ms Ramachandran, who is also a member of Focal Area FA4, under the Alliance for Action to Strengthen Marriages and Family Relationships. The MSF launched the alliance in 2021.
Emotions can run high in cases where betrayal was the cause of divorce, but Ms Ong reminds parents to remember that the betrayal lies in the marriage, not with the child. “We encourage parents to make decisions based on their child’s best interest, regardless of how they have been hurt by their spouse,” she says.
3. Create a co-parenting schedule
This schedule could include your child’s extracurricular activities, time with each parent, transportation arrangements and medical appointments, as well as updates on your child’s matters, says Ms Ramachandran. Be prepared to give and take.
4. Be consistent on rules and discipline
Children can become confused when each parent’s household has different discipline rules, and it can lead to adjustment difficulties and behavioural issues, says Ms Ramachandran.
5. Have respectful communication
Agree on a preferred mode of communication, says Ms Ramachandran. If seeing your former spouse is hard for you, use e-mail, messages or phone calls instead. Be mindful of the language and tone you use as well.
If you disagree with your former spouse, do it in private and not in front of the children, says Ms Ong. “No child likes to be told that his or her parent is ‘bad’. It affects his or her self-esteem.”
6. Seek help
These resources can help when you need to talk to someone or are unable to reach an agreement with your former spouse.
The MSF’s Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre programme
Info: https://msf.gov.sg/famatfsc
PPIS As-Salaam
Tel: 6745-5862
Info: https://ppis.sg/as-salaam/
Care Corner Family Support Services
Tel: 6258-0020
Info: www.carecorner.org.sg