January 16, 2024
The signs weren’t there at all.
By all accounts, *Danial has a great relationship with his wife. After 5 years of marriage, they’ve established a solid family foundation with two kids and a cosy home. They’ve had no history of spousal abuse or major arguments with each other.
By all accounts, they really do love each other.
The loving household they’ve built, however, stands at the precipice of sudden collapse. As untroubled marriages go, *Danial’s story doesn’t fit the bill for why he struck an affair.
It’s in cases like these that make people wonder—is there ever a sure telltale sign of infidelity? Because even in happy marriages, the likelihood of straying remains high among couples in Singapore.
*Danial, 40, thrives as a property agent—he’s sociable, he’s extroverted, and he makes friends easily. In his line of work, he tends to meet a wide range of people.
No issues with that, until he met *Kat. As someone in the same industry with a lot of connections with clients, she became a key contact. As time went by, they got closer and *Danial started seeing her more often, especially after work.
”I did not think much about my own marriage. As long as no one knows, then it should be safe, I thought,” *Danial recalls.
“My wife didn’t have to know. At the time, I thought it was quite common nowadays for someone to have a fling or a scandal.”
*Danial believed that things would be okay if he continues carrying out responsibilities at home—he pays the bills, buys the groceries, and provides for his family.
“It’s not like I’m neglecting my own family; I still love my wife, but I enjoy going out with *Kat too,” he reasoned to himself back then.
Most cheating spouses might justify infidelity with rationalisations like feeling unfulfilled in their marriage, seeking emotional or physical needs that they perceive as unmet, or believing that the affair won’t negatively impact their primary relationship.
Adultery remains among the top reasons behind divorces, along with communication breakdown, financial issues and spousal violence. But even after infidelity, divorces might not happen because spouses are satisfied with other aspects of the marriage, such as how the one who cheated remains a responsible breadwinner.
In some cases—like *Danial and his wife—extramarital affairs might not even be detected until it is too late.
The thought of a secret affair did not even cross the mind of *Danial’s wife, *Rose. She simply noticed that her husband had become more quiet and started returning home late from work more often than usual.
“When I asked him where he had been, he’d just say overtime or he had to attend meetings that ended late. If I probed him further, he will burst into anger. I just let him be and did not think much about the matter.”
It was only when she sought counselling and expert opinion at PPIS Sym Academy that she learned the truth. A therapist suggested that she should look for proof if she suspects infidelity.
“True enough, I found out that he had been seeing a female friend behind my back. My heart shattered into a million pieces. The first question that came to my mind was, ‘Am I not good enough as a wife?’”
Though she had initial considerations of getting a divorce, *Rose told herself to think straight instead of “acting on pure emotions”.
The solution she found was getting her husband to attend couples counselling sessions.
“I mean… he is my husband. And I want to be able to trust him again.”
PPIS counsellors will establish some ground rules before working with couples in their reconciliation journey.
First, the affair or relationship with the third party must have ended. Second, conversations about therapy should only be limited to extended family members.
Third—and probably the most important one—therapy is hard work that requires some room for expected uncertainty.
“Couples seeking help need to focus on being present in the present as the cheating spouse tends to want to move on quickly—they’d want their spouse to forgive and forget fast,“ a counsellor shares.
The victim, on the other hand, wants to know all the answers to their questions. This includes all the details about the infidelity. Further hurt ensues when the cheating spouse dismisses such details as “unnecessary”.
To be fair, the reasons behind cheating during marriage are complex. There are various reasons why people cheat, and counsellors shared that it is made even more complicated when some people would rather not disclose reasons why, due to it being very personal or shameful.
Oftentimes, we think that infidelity happens in unhappy marriages. Experts, on the other hand, say that 56 percent of men and 34 percent of women involved in affairs reported that their marriages were indeed happy.
“A spouse experiencing overwhelming tension and anxiety in his marriage may find a third party as a form of relief or a distraction from their problems,” a counsellor offers.
“For such cases, there could already be pre-existing issues in the marriage which caused one party to find happiness elsewhere.”
Other times, affairs happen because of novelty—a desire for something forbidden. It applies to cases like *Danial, whose desire to feel special and seen, kept him in the affair.
Though *Danial acknowledges that his affair was a mistake on his part, the man has his own reasons. But he asserts that his wife was not at fault.
Despite some shortcomings, *Rose is a good wife, *Danial says. But he felt the emotional disconnection nudged him to look for attention elsewhere.
“Sometimes *Rose tends to pay too much attention to her work and the children,” he says.
“Attending counselling helped me to be more grounded in terms of thinking about my own marriage goals and to open up about my own unmet needs in our partnership.”
According to PPIS counsellors, the goal for couples undergoing therapy together is to rebuild that trust between each other—even though it might not be 100 percent anymore.
“The idea is to negotiate a percentage that is comfortable for both parties,” a counsellor says.
Because it’s an ongoing process, part of trust-building is to create space for errors and mistakes to happen. Both parties want a way to move forward with their lives.
Fortunately for *Danial, *Rose has forgiven him for his marital indiscretion and wants to recover from this dark episode.
In the context of Singaporean families, the fast-paced (and often demanding) lifestyle can create an imbalance between married couples. In a partnership of equals—where both spouses share household responsibilities—there could be a divergence in goals, especially when both struggle to find a sustainable equilibrium between work, personal life and family commitments.
Now, more than ever in this uncertain economic climate, it necessitates a stronger emphasis on open communication and support for one another.
Every couple, happy household or not, will go through ups and downs. The key lies in embracing these fluctuations as stepping stones towards a more profound and fulfilling connection.
*Names have been changed.
Family therapy is the centre of our family-related programmes here at PPIS. We believe that through informed and emphatic intervention, domestic issues and conflicts will be resolved and reduced, especially for the children in the household. Thus, Sym Academy is established to introduce the benefits of family therapy to families and societies alike. If you want to know more, click here to contact Sym Academy.
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Rahayu Mohamad (Rahayu) is the President of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and is also a member of its various other advisory committees such as Early Childhood Education Advisory Committee, the Human Resource Advisory Committee, Corporate Communication Advisory Committee and the Social Services Advisory Committee. Having joined PPIS as an Ordinary member in 2012, Rahayu was subsequently elected to the PPIS Board in September 2012 and became Vice President 2 in November 2013. She was further elected as President during the Annual General Meeting in September 2014. ,
Apart from being active within PPIS, Rahayu is also active in Young Muslim Secretariat as its Council Member from 2003-2004 within the Islamic Religious Council as well as Yayasan Mendaki, being its Trainer for the Maths subject. In 2005 – 2006, she was the Head of the Women’s Department, Islamic Scholars and Religious Teachers Association. Since 2007, Rahayu was the Program Co-ordinator of Women-in-Mind, where she implements training and developmental program as well as plan and organize seminars and workshops. Rahayu was also a member of the Siglap Mosque Management Board 2013 – 2015 overseeing mainly the Early Childhood Programmes.
Her other notable works would include having authored several Primary Level Textbook and workbooks (Faith based curriculum). She is also a Board Member for LBKM and has been appointed by the President of Singapore as Council Member for MUIS in 2016.
Rahayu has a Masters in Curriculum and Teaching from the National Institute of Education as well as a Bachelor (Honours) in Law and Syariah from the International Islamic University, Malaysia. She has more than 20 years of experience in Islamic Curriculum Development.
Hazlina Abdul Halim (Hazlina) who is effectively bilingual in English and Malay, is a familiar news presenter for Mediacorp’s 938LIVE and SURIA. Being ad avid reader and linguistically inclined from young, she received accolades and won numerous book prizes in primary and secondary school, with honours in debates and oratorical competitions.
Hazlina spent five years in Perth, Western Australia, finding out how other communities lived their lives. While there, she had garnered several degrees – a Master of Film and Television with Distinction from Curtin University of Technology and a Bachelor of Arts in Communication Studies and Political Science from the University of Western Australia.
Upon her return to Singapore, Hazlina went on to lecture in Communications and Media Management (“CMM”) at Temasek Polytechnic where she spent three years moulding future media professionals. At Temasek Polytechnic, Hazlina was involved in a number of projects. One of which is for READ! Singapore 2013 where she narrated the audio version of the anthology, Under One Sky; one of READ! Singapore’s launch titles.
Another significant project was the collaboration between CMM lecturers and 938LIVE where the final year CMM Diploma students of Broadcast Journalism produced a series called “They Are Making A Difference” as their assignment. Hazlina, together with the CMM lecturers and representatives from 938LIVE evaluated and chose the best 13 capsules to be aired on radio.
In 2014, Hazlina returned to the world of journalism at Channel News Asia’s Singapore Desk. She is currently the Assignments Editor.
Hazlina is currently serving her second term as a Board Member at Persatuan Pemudi Islam Singapura (PPIS), a non-profit social welfare organisation dedicated to women empowerment and family services programmes. She is the Chairperson of the Organisation’s Corporate Communications Advisory Committee (CCAC) as well as in the Research Engagement Taskforce (RET). Hazlina is active in PPIS’s events and Board meetings. She represents PPIS at the SCWO and is on the Women’s Register as well as part of Advocacy and Research team. Hazlina is involved in the CEDAW Shadow report committee.
Suree Rohan is a Board member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and Chairman of its Audit Advisory Committee.
She is a Chartered Accountant who graduated with a Bachelor (Honours) of Electrical and Electronic Engineering from NTU. Upon graduation, she started her career in wealth management with Citibank.
She also has an MBA with specialisation in Accountancy. She then joined Ernst & Young as an auditor for international financial institutions including banks, hedge funds and global commodity trading companies. Thereafter, she took on an Advisory role as a Regional Consultant with financial institutions in Asia Pacific. Her risk management, internal audit, compliance and corporate governance work saw her based in China, Hong Kong, Thailand, Vietnam and Malaysia. She is currently a Principal at RMP and heads the Advisor Department.
Her technical and advisory background has placed her as an asset in her keen observations of any process discrepancies and critical problem solving skills which always takes into account the difficulties on the ground. Her strong ability to ensure that good financial and risk management practices are embedded in the social service sector is valuable. She also advocates accountability and transparency in the governance structure of any organisation.
Nur Amalina Abdul Gani (Nur Amalina) is a Board member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and member of its Social Service Advisory Committee and its Research & Engagement Taskforce. Nur Amalina was appointed as a Board Member for 2 terms consecutively since September 2012.
Apart from being involved in PPIS, Nur Amalina is also involved in other voluntary welfare organisation such as the Tabung Amal Aidilfitri (TAA) Trust Fund, serving in its Executive Committee.
Saidah Mohamed (“Saidah”) is the Honorary Treasurer of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and Chairman of its Finance and Investment Advisory Committee.
With more than 30 years of experience, Saidah spent 9 years of her career in the private sector, starting with Price Waterhouse Singapore, before joining a reputable Brunei conglomerate as the Group Accountant. In 1990, she was recruited into the Singapore Accounting Service and was posted to the Ministry of Education, Accountant-General’s Department and the Insolvency & Public Trustee’s Office (IPTO). As the Financial Controller of IPTO, apart from managing trust monies she was personally involved in designing the computerised accounting system for the administration of insolvency and trust cases. She is currently Director (Finance & Office Administration) at the Ministry of Law. Her current portfolio includes budget, financial administration , procurement and office management for the Ministry and its departments.
Saidah graduated with a Bachelor in Accountancy from the National University of Singapore. She also has the Higher Stage Group Diploma in Accounting from the London Chamber of Commerce & Industry.
Saidah’s involvement with charities began in 1997 where she was the Secretary of the “Isaac Manasseh Meyer Trust Fund”, a charitable trust fund administered by the Public Trustee’s Office. She was further appointed as a Board Member of the Casa Raudha Women’s Home where she was the Treasurer from 2013 to 2016. Saidah was also one of the judges for Jamiyah’s Singapore Annual Exemplary Mother’s Competition from 2008 to 2013.
Fawziah Jainullabudeen (“Fawziah”) is the Assistant Honorary Treasurer of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS).
Fawziah has more than 26 years of experience in the areas of external audit, internal audit, Commercial Finance, General Management and Consultancy.
Fawziah started her career with KPMG Peat Marwick, Singapore and was there for 5 years before joining the Group Audit Department of OCBC Bank as its Assistant Manager. In 1999, she joined Dufry Singapore Pte Ltd which was a subsidiary of the Swiss based Dufry Group where she oversaw the finance operation of Singapore which covers budgeting and strategic planning, operational business support, reporting, treasury, legal and internal controls management. In her last 2 years in Dufry she was promoted to Acting General Manager for the Singapore operation where she was responsible for the smooth running of 10 over Duty Free shops. She then joined Sephora in 2011 as Financial Controller Singapore/Malaysia and was there till 2016. Sephora Singapore Pte Ltd is a multinational company owned by LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, the world’s leading luxury goods group. She was one of the key players in the Steep Development of Sephora in Singapore and Malaysia. Fawziah is currently with CFO Centre which is Global No 1 provider of part time CFO Services.
Fawziah has a Bachelors in Accountancy from the Nanyang Technological University. Fawziah is a member of Institute of Singapore Chartered Accountants and a member of the Institute of Public Accountants in Australia.
Khuzaima Raja Kamarul Den (Khuzaima) was the previous Honorary Treasurer elected in 2014 and then she was also the Chairperson of its Finance & Investment Advisory Committee.
She has a Masters in Science in Wealth Management from the Singapore Management University.
Her technical and advisory background has placed her as an asset in her keen observations of any process discrepancies and critical problem solving skills which always takes into account the difficulties on the ground. Her strong ability to ensure that good financial and risk management practices are embedded in the social service sector is valuable. She also advocates accountability and transparency in the governance structure of any organisation.
Sapiah Molla (Sapiah) is currently the Immediate Past President of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and Chairman of its Human Resource Advisory Committee. She also served as Chairman of PPIS Early Childhood Advisory Committee and the Early Childhood Education Business Taskforce.Sapiah Molla was also President of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) for 3 consecutive terms (12 years).
Her journey with PPIS started when she became an Executive Committee member in 1983. Subsequently, she was appointed as Chairman of the PPIS As-Salaam Family Support Centre from 2002 – 2004 where she oversee the running of programmes of single-parent families and grief relief programme for children who has experienced parental loss due to death or divorce. In 2006 – 2008, Sapiah was appointed Honorary Secretary of the PPIS Executive Board. In 2008, she was elected as President of PPIS. In her capacity as President, Sapiah also served as Member of Board of Directors for Yayasan Mendaki since 2011.
With her passion in wanting to empower Malay/Muslim women, in 2008, she was appointed the President of PPIS, which envisions to be the catalyst of change in Malay/Muslim women for the betterment of families, community and the society.
Sapiah graduated from the University of Singapore in 1975 with the Bachelor of Social Services (Econ) Hons. She has since retired from her post as Assistant Vice President of Property Development of Singapore Post Limited.
Sapiah had represented PPIS as one of the 9 Muslim Leaders entourage from Singapore invited to visit the United States from 9 July to 20 July o the invitation of the Education and Cultural Bureau of the US State Department. Apart from holding executive positions within the PPIS Board, Sapiah was also conferred the title of Justice of the Peace on 21 September 2015 for a term of 5 years.
Salina Samion is a Board member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and Chairman of its Social Service Advisory Committee as well as its Family Therapy Institute Advisory Committee.
She started her career as a social worker with MCYS from 1997 to 1999 and subsequently moved to a teaching position with Nanyang Polytechnic from 1999 to 2003. She joined the Singapore Prison Service in 2003 as Assistant Director (Principal Psychologist). In 2010, she joined Changi General Hospital as its Psychotrauma Counsellor and then returned to the Singapore Prison Service in 2012 as its Senior Assistant Director and she is presently the Principal Psychologist in the Central Narcotics Bureau, Ministry of Home Affairs.
Salina started out as an education and recreational volunteer with the Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) from 1995 to 1997. In 2000, she became its Associate Counsellor and in 2003 as its Management Committee member In 2008, she became a member of the Programme and Services Committee for the As-Salaam Service Centre and PPIS Jurong FSC to oversee and develop its programmes and services.
Her efforts in volunteerism has garnered her the Public Spiritedness Award in 1989 awarded by National Institute of Education.
Salina has a Masters in Applied Psychology from the National Technological University Singapore. She is also the Adjunct Faculty member of the School of Human Resource Department, Singapore Institute of Management. She is currently a PhD candidate of the Social Work Department in the National University of Singapore.
Nor Ainah Mohamed Ali is a Board Member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS).
With more than 25 years of work experience, Nor Ainah specialises in intellectual property and knowledge management. She began her career as a Senior Officer at the Ministry of Law for nine years before moving to a reputable law firm to work as a Legal Executive in 2000. She left the firm in 2002 to pursue further studies. In 2006, she presented a paper on iKMS Practitioners’ Conference (10 November 2006) on ‘Knowledge Recovery After a Major Disaster’, while working in another law firm. She is currently pursuing a Degree in the Master of Art in Islamic Thought and Civilization, at ISTAC (International Institute of Islamic Thought and Civilisation), IIUM, Malaysia.
Nor Ainah graduated from National University of Singapore (NUS) with a Bachelor’s Degree of Arts (Architectural Studies) in 1990. She was subsequently awarded with a Master’s Degree in Library and Information Science from National Technology University of Singapore (NTU) 13 years later. She was conferred more certificates in following years, such as her most recent Certificate of Teaching and Learning for Community Educators from National Institute of Education (NIE) where she also delivered the valedictorian speech.
Nor Ainah is passionate about travelling, art and architecture. She also actively volunteers and has done so with Association of Muslim Professionals (AMP), PPIS As-Salaam. She was a Committee Member for Corporate Support Responsibility (CSR) at the law firm that she worked for. She is currently a Community Educator under the MENDAKI Tuition Scheme (MTS).
Jummaida Rusdon (June Rusdon) is a Board Member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS) and one of the Directors of PPIS’s subsidiary company, 7oaks Pte Ltd which oversees the management of our Early Childhood Education Centres. June has more than 24 years of experience in managing regional business operations and business development in areas spanning early childhood education, enrichment services and higher education.
She joined Knowledge Universe as Chief Executive Officer in 2007, and has spearheaded teams to achieve excellence in operations and curriculum across the organisation’s suite of brands.
June was the founder of Learning Vision, Asian International College (previously known as Learning Capital College) and Learning Horizon, all of which have remained reputable and successful brands under Knowledge Universe. With her leadership, Knowledge Universe today also manages various premium brands in the market such as Brighton Montessori, Pat’s Schoolhouse, and Odyssey The Global Preschool, and has expanded its operations to Malaysia and India.
Notably, June has led the company to achieve multiple awards over the years, testament to her foresight and strong focus on quality. These include the highly coveted Outstanding Programme Awards obtained by Learning Vision and Pat’s Schoolhouse, as well as the Outstanding Employer Award for Knowledge Universe Singapore, conferred by the Ministry of Social and Family Development or MSF (previously known as the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports) and Singapore Workforce Development Agency (WDA). With her team’s dedication, various educators under the group have also achieved Outstanding Educator and Outstanding Infant Educarer awards.
Dr Rufaihah Binte Abdul Jalil is a Board Member of Singapore Muslim Women’s Association (PPIS).
With more than 12 years of work experience, Dr Rufaihah is currently working as an Assistant Professor at the Department of Surgery in National University of Singapore (NUS). She mentors graduate research students (PhD) and is also a Principle Investigator for the Tissue Repair and Regeneration Laboratory.
For her many contributions in Science, Dr Rufaihah has won many awards such as the prestigious Ten Outstanding Young Persons of the World, Singapore Honouree from Junior Chamber International (JCI) in 2012. Her most recent ones include being mentioned in Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s National Day Speech Rally in 2013, appointed as a National Day Parade (NDP) 2014 Achiever as well as the PPIS’ Aura Hawa Award, which celebrated 50 Muslim women in 2015.
Dr Rufaihah completed her postdoctoral studies at the Division of Cardiovascular Medicine in Stanford University, California, United States of America (USA) in 2011. She founded Granada Academy, an initiative set up to bridge the Malay/Muslim science disconnect as well as to inspire children and youth to consider a future in science and engineering.
Dr Rufaihah serves as a Council Member and Member of the Scientific and Technology Resource Group for Islamic Religious Council of Singapore (MUIS). She is also Head Coordinator and Advisor for Madrasah Al-Arabiah Al-Islamiah’s Science Enrichment Program as well as Member of the Board of Governors for Temasek Polytechnic.